MOM'S advise

You should always listen to your mom. Remember all those things she used to say over and over when you were a kid? She had some good advice for you back then, but you probably tuned it out. So we've updated some of her favorite admonishments for you to heed now that you're an adult. This Mother's Day, take the time to thank Mom for passing on her words of wisdom.

1.Don't put anything in your ear (penis) sharper than your elbow."

You wouldn't believe how many guys have ended up in the emergency room because they didn't follow this advice and poked something they shouldn't have up their peter. Pencils, thermometers, bobby pins, birthday candles, paper clips...we'll spare you all the gory details. If you're at all curious, just don't do it. You might as well clean your ears with an ice pick.

2."Eat your vegetables. Drink your juice. It'll make you strong (your cum taste better.")

It's true! That healthy, balanced diet mom always encouraged you to eat can help promote better-tasting semen, especially if it includes lots of fresh fruits and vegetables. In fact, it's reported that a vegetarian diet will give both men and women better tasting juices down there. Of course, you don't have to tell mom why you're on a health kick, but she'll be proud anyway.

3."Always wear clean underwear. You never know when you'll get in an accident (laid)."

Chances are, if you get in an accident, your underwear is the last thing you'll be worried about. But if you find yourself in the middle of an unexpected hook-up? You'll be glad you're wearing a clean pair. So thank your mom the next time you've got a a friendly hand tugging at your (freshly laundered) tighty-whities or thong. Skid marks are such a turn off.

4."If all your friends jumped off a bridge (traded sex for coke) would you do it too?"

It probably seemed like mom was always trying to ruin your fun, but really, she was just trying to keep you out of trouble. She wanted to instill some good judgment and prevent you from doing something you might regret. And discourage you from hanging out with those skeevy coke-whore friends of yours.

5."Do you think your dirty socks (used condoms) are going to pick themselves up?"

Hopefully your mom trained you to at least pick up the most disgusting things you leave behind, like dirty underwear, smelly socks, crusty dishes, wet towels, used Kleenex, and spunk-filled condoms. You'll only have yourself to blame when you step on one while getting up to use the can in the middle of the night.

6."Think about all the starving (sex-starved) children (coworkers in) India, Africa, China (your dorm)."

Mom always wanted you to look on the bright side and be grateful for what you had. Given the population rates in third-world countries, it's obvious that people there are getting it on, but the point is, if you take a look around your office or dorm, we're sure you can find someone less fortunate to compare yourself to. Your current girlfriend or boyfriend may look about as tempting as tuna helper right now, but at least you've got something on your plate.

7."Don't put that in your mouth (mouth/vagina/asshole) - you don't know where it's been!"

So true, especially these days. They say when you sleep with someone, you're sleeping with every other person they had sex with. If that isn't enough to put a damper on your passion, let it at least make you think twice about hooking up with total skanks and hos and serve as a reminder to use protection.

8."Pull up your pants. You look like a plumber (Lindsay Lohan)."

Sure, those low-rise jeans are what all the "cool kids" are wearing, but some trends are not worth following, especially if they make you look like cheap trash. Have a little class, and cover up that coin slot. And that goes quadruple if you're a guy.

9."Don't sit so close to the set (computer) when you watch TV (porn). You'll ruin your eyes."

Actually, we can't verify that this is true. But it's probably not very good for your eyesight. And sitting too close to the computer greatly increases your chances of getting spunk on the keyboard and screen.

10."Don't point that at your face. You'll put an eye out (get jizz in your eye)."

Be careful where you're aiming that thing, mister, especially if you've got a hair trigger. Whether you're pointing it at someone else or yourself, try to keep it away from the eyes. It won't make you blind for good, but cum in the eyes stings like hell.

11."Don't take candy (open alcoholic beverages) from strangers (random guys at parties.")

It might seem paranoid, but in this age of roofies and other date-rape drugs, women (and sometimes even men) have to be extra careful. There are too many stories of people getting victimized after having their drinks tampered with. You don't want to end up like a grown-up version of some cautionary after-school special.

12."Wash behind your ears (nutsack). You could grow potatoes back there."

We really hope you've been washing back there, but unlike your mom, we're not going to check. See the item on clean underwear, and if you haven't been keeping up with your hygiene, hit the showers and introduce your taint to some soap and hot water.

13."How do you know you don't like broccoli (swallowing semen/eating pussy) if you haven't tried it?"

Thank mom for this classic line that you can use on a girlfriend or boyfriend reluctant to do oral. Maybe he or she just needs a little encouragement. Sure, they may not like it, but they'll never know until they give it a chance.

14."Wear your overcoat (condom)! It looks like rain (discharge) out there and you could catch pneumonia (the clap)."

Your mom was always looking out for and trying to protect you from dangers and diseases. She can't be with you looking over your shoulder every time you have sex (thank god, that would be really messed up), but hopefully some of her caution and warnings have taken hold and you'll reach for the rubbers before you dive in.