Secret Desires [Chapter 3]
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Disclaimer: While this story is based on actual events, certain characters, characterizations, incidents, locations and dialogue were fictionalized or invented for purposes of dramatization.
With respect to such fictionalization or invention, any similarity to the name or to the actual character or history of any person, living or dead, or any product or entity or actual incident, is entirely for dramatic purpose and not intended to reflect on an actual character, history, product or entity.
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I arrived at my house inconspicuous of what happened. It was just five forty-five in the afternoon. I smiled awkwardly towards our help. Her eyes are telling me that she knew what I was doing with Mac.
My crotch began to throb with pain. I hurriedly went upstairs, grabbed my towel, and went inside the bathroom. I, then, took my clothes off.
Suddenly, what happened between Mac and I flashed in my mind. From the moment our eyes met, to what happened hours ago.
Our conversations. The gestures. All of it... was for the purpose of getting inside my pants.
I am so naive... believing he loves me, when all along I knew what he wanted from me.
Yet, I am willing to do it again.
I turned on the shower. The warm water calming my nerves and my throbbing center. Red liquid started to flow from my inner thigh.
My virginity... I gave it up to the man years older than me.
I sighed. I closed my eyes shut, relishing the feel of the water.
My head became hazy with heat, remembering his touch.. that painful experience with him. I want to do it again. I wonder if it will hurt the second time.
Was it wrong for me to give my all to someone I barely know? Yes. But surely, it's okay, given the fact that the one I truly love is with someone else. And yes, it is wrong because I'm already committed.
I let out a long sigh. I am really my mother's daughter. She cheated on my dad a few years back and still is. Am I really following her footsteps?
I quickly finished my bath and wore my jammies. I sat in front of my vanity mirror. My face had a different glow in them. Maybe it's just the bath. I reached for my hairbrush and started combing my still damp long wavy chocolate brown hair.
My face looks a bit like my Mom when she was still at my age. I may have a bit of a resemblance to the Arabic princess Ameera al-Taweel with my long wavy hair, though I don't think we have an Arabic heritage.
My mom is of Spanish descent though, so I think I Iook more like a Latina. Mom just doesn't like it that I look almost exactly like her, and a bit boobsie than her. Mine's 36C. I got that asset from my Dad's side of the family. All the females from Dad's relatives have well-endowed breasts.
After I combed my hair, I turned on my laptop and opened the facebook site in the browser. After months of going out with Mac, it was only this time that I thought of looking him up on facebook. I typed in his name "Mackenzie Montero" in the search box.
I clicked the profile with the one that has his picture in it. I scrolled down on his timeline and saw a lot of pictures being tagged to him. My brows knotted at the sudden somewhat revelation.
A little girl, probably at the age of three years old, was tagged many times to his profile though it was not stated that he's married. There was no picture of the mother of the child. And the girl's picture only has either him in it or with an Aunt.
Is this kid his child? But... Well... I can accept the kid as my own if Mac and I become serious with what we have now. I could break up with Luis then.
What am I thinking?
I'm actually considering this?
I sighed. I remember when I was young, my Mom fought with Dad because it was too late for her to know that Dad had a daughter before their marriage.
Since then, the topic of my sister was always spoken off by Mom on many occassions especially when she's angry with Dad. It was Mom's reason why she cheated with Dad during my grades school and high school years.
What pissed me off was that she was involved with my classmate's Dad on my second year of high school. I felt so ashamed. They lasted for almost three years, and eventually broke up when my classmate's Dad cheated on Mom with a younger and sexier woman. Mom was so devastated at the time that we became an outlet for her emotions.
The worst case was last year when she brought a guy at the house one morning. "Family friend" as my Mom introduced him to me and my siblings. He was a police officer. He was a perfect definition of tall, dark, but not handsome. The guy slept at our house, using my brother's room since Anton is studying far away.
Later that night, Mom had to go to work because her duty was 11 in the evening until 7 in the morning. It was just me, my other two siblings, and our household help present at the house that time with the guy.
The following morning, I was the first to take a bath after I ate my breakfast. Mom and the guy was still talking downstairs. After my bath, I plan to go outside the room towards my cabinet to get my clothes.
But before I could do that, I heard footsteps going up the stairs. I saw the guy and I panicked. I hurriedly closed the door. I heard him go inside the room he temporarily occupied and was followed by my Mom. I heard the door clicked as they have locked it.
I quickly went out, grabbed my clothes, and dressed myself. They were still inside the room. The sound of the double deck bed creaking like someone has gotten busy on the bed.
I am not that innocent of such things since Luis and I were in a relationship. I know what Mom and that guy are doing something inside the room. I am sure as hell it was not to pray rosary or play cards or to simply just talk. They were having sex. I know for sure. They took about ten or so minutes inside that friggin' room. I was panicking and went to find our helper.
"Lyn, did you see my Mom?" I asked.
Her eyes spoke like I was asking a stupid thing, "How would I know?" She laughed. "You're the ones inside the house. I've been here washing the clothes."
I laughed awkwardly. "Yeah.. She must be inside the bathroom now."
I ran upstairs and went inside the room where I took my bath. And there I saw her.. my Mom.. naked with only her panties on. Her skin glistening with sweat like she went and joined a marathon. Her hair a bit damp from sweat. The only thing covering her is her towel.
I took a step back.
I felt blood drained my body.
I was disgusted.
Our house... is tainted now. Tainted because she couldn't control herself. She didn't even have the decency to do it in a motel or hotel, whichever would have worked for them. No. They just had to fuck inside our house.
It was the last straw.
In hindsight, I guess it was that moment that I snapped inside in a way. I realized that if ever I would get a man that already has a kid, I would accept him. I would prove to Mom that I could make it work unlike what she did to Dad.
My phone beeped at the sound of a message that I was brought back to the present. I grabbed my phone and checked who it was.
It was from Mac, asking me what I was doing. I quickly typed my reply.
Just searching the net. How about you?
I'm finishing my report.
Reports about the sales and whatnot?
"Rika!" Lyn called from downstairs. "It's time to eat dinner!"
"Yeah! Coming!" I quickly logged out my facebook account, and deleted the history in the browser. I was coming down the stairs when I typed my reply to Mac's text.
Okay. TYL. Gotta eat dinner.
I ate my dinner with Lyn and my other two siblings, Crystel and Ethan. I acted like nothing is wrong with my body. After I finished my food, I went straight to my room and read Mac's new text message.
I miss you, dear. I hope I can hug you again.
I felt excitement run through my body. So, there IS a chance that we'd do it again. I thought he's done with me and that he wouldn't want it again because he, somewhat, was not satisfied by what happened hours ago... I think. But I was wrong. I slept thinking of the possible places we could do it next time.
When I woke up for my classes the next day, the pain just got worse. It was so hard for me to walk straight and it just so happens that I'm having my period, since the blood never stopped.
"Are you okay Rika?" Lyn asked me as I walk towards the gate.
"Oh.. I just had my period yesterday Lyn. You know how I am when I have my period."
She eyed me suspiciously. "Okay.. Well, you take care."
I smiled at her, "Thanks Lyn!"
I got inside the motorcab and waved my goodbye to her. If she noticed anything odd, I know she wouldn't tell it straight to my face anyway.
Some of my classmates noticed how I walk differently today. Some asked me about it, while the others remained giving me a curious look.
It was around lunch time that I realized the weight of what I've done yesterday.
Babe.. I know you're very busy with studies, please take care and don't forget to eat your meals or have a snack. I love you.
I stared at my phone. Read the message a couple of times before it sank in.
My heart ached for this guy, for Luis. He has been a good boyfriend aside from being overly protective and clingy. And here I am, thinking about the next time I'll meet Mac.
I dialed Luis' number. The ringing of the call made me want to throw up. It's nerve-racking. I waited until he accepted the call.
"Hey, babe! You called?"
"Uhh.." My voice quivered a bit. Shit! What am I going to say?
"Babe..? Is something wrong?"
I cleared my throat. "Uh, no. I just missed you." Dang it! Why can't I say it right?
"Aww. I miss you too, babe."
My heart ached. I should really confess to him what I did yesterday. Silence filled the call for a minute or two. "Babe..? Still there?"
"You wanna tell me something, babe?"
Without hesitation I said, "Yes.."
"Well? What is it, babe?"
"Uhm.. I know you'll be angry.. You'll probably break up with me and it's okay.. I'll accept it."
I heard him sigh. It made me nervous. "What is it?"
I took a deep breath. "I... I had sex with someone yesterday."
There. I said it.
It was the most intense five minute silence I've had. My lips started to shake with reasons and explanations. My heart hammered with nervousness and fear.
"Babe.." My voice broke. "L-Luis... P-Please talk to me..."
When he talked, whatever he said seemed like a desperate whisper of a man so in love with his girlfriend. I'm not even sure what I felt. I just feel sad and disappointed at myself, yet I feel somewhat nothing.
All I understand was that he still accepts me and he will make it up to me when we live together after college. I was a bit relieved that he won't leave me.
Am I too sad of a person to not want to be left behind?
Why do I still want to have sex?
Do I really love Luis?
Is it really just lust for Mac?
I'm asking these questions and yet I know there's no answer for it right away... Except for the first one. I don't want to be left behind. I don't like the thought of being alone. But I have to make a decision soon.
The school's bell rang for the next class. Lunch break is done, so I hurriedly went to my classroom for my next subject.
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